What's on Your Christmas List?

 Tis the season for Christmas music, sacred, popular, cloying, and migraine-producing. The selection ranges from Wham!’s “Last Christmas” to “O’ Holy Night” performed by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir with plenty in between. One song, in particular, “The 12 Days of Christmas,” seems to have spawned more spoofs and puns and plays on words than there are Salvation Army kettles at the mall. I recently participated in an Author Takeover to promote the Christmas anthology, The 12 Slays of Christmas. I read a P.D. James short story called, “The 12 Clues of Christmas”. I’ve seen ads on social media (and in my email spam folder) for “The 12 Deals of Christmas” and “The 12 Gifts of Christmas.” All in the same week. Everyone is familiar with the plethora of gifts offered over the twelve days from Christmas Day to Epiphany. And whether you believe the gifts have religious symbolism or the song’s just a festive, musical version of a memory game along the lines of “I’m going on a trip,” you have to admit, a) it’s a pretty hefty haul of loot, b) it’s fun to spoof. We Missdemeanors decided we could come up with better gifts than partridges and colly birds. No one needs that much poultry in their lives. What we have to offer, on the other hand? Well, guess that depends on where you live and who you know. We present, “The 12 Days of Crime-mas”. (Sung to the tune of “The 12 Days of Christmas”)

  • On the first day of Christmas, my lawyer gave to me, a card to get out of jail free.
  • On the second day of Christmas, my lawyer gave to me, two pearl-handled revolvers and a card to get out of jail free
  • On the third day of Christmas, my lawyer gave to me, three jailbroken iPhones, two pearl-handled revolvers, and a card to get out of jail free
  • On the fourth day of Christmas, my lawyer gave to me, four tips on committing perjury, three jailbroken iPhones, two pearl-handled revolvers, and a card to get out of jail free
  • On the fifth day of Christmas, my lawyer gave to me, five bullet-proof vests, four tips on committing perjury, three jailbroken iPhones, two pearl-handled revolvers, and a card to get out of jail free
  • On the sixth day of Christmas, my lawyer gave to me, six vials of strychnine, five bullet-proof vests, four tips on committing perjury, three jailbroken iPhones, two pearl-handled revolvers and a card to get out of jail free.
  • On the seventh day of Christmas, my lawyer gave to me, seven shallow graves, six vials of strychnine, five bullet-proof vests, four tips on committing perjury, three jailbroken iPhones, two pearl-handled revolvers and a card to get out of jail free.
  • On the eighth day of Christmas, my lawyer gave to me, eight pairs of golden handcuffs, seven shallow graves, six vials of strychnine, five bullet-proof vests, four tips on committing perjury, three jailbroken iPhones, two pearl-handled revolvers and a card to get out of jail free.
  • On the ninth day of Christmas, my lawyer gave to me, nine con men grifting, eight eight pairs of golden handcuffs, seven shallow graves, six vials of strychnine, five bullet-proof vests, four tips on committing perjury, three jailbroken iPhones, two pearl-handled revolvers and a card to get out of jail free.
  • On the tenth day of Christmas, my lawyer gave to me, ten bloodhounds sniffing, nine con men grifting, eight eight pairs of golden handcuffs, seven shallow graves, six vials of strychnine, five bullet-proof vests, four tips on committing perjury, three jailbroken iPhones, two pearl-handled revolvers and a card to get out of jail free.
  • On the eleventh day of Christmas, my lawyer gave to me, eleven victims dying, ten bloodhounds sniffing, nine con men grifting, eight eight pairs of golden handcuffs, seven shallow graves, six vials of strychnine, five bullet-proof vests, four tips on committing perjury, three jailbroken iPhones, two pearl-handled revolvers and a card to get out of jail free.
  • On the twelfth day of Christmas, my lawyer gave to me, twelve suspects lying, eleven victims dying, ten bloodhounds sniffing, nine con men grifting, eight eight pairs of golden handcuffs, seven shallow graves, six vials of strychnine, five bullet-proof vests, four tips on committing perjury, three jailbroken iPhones, two pearl-handled revolvers and a card to get out of jail free.
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